


Complications (the Phantom Remix)

by Allothi



Category: Hikaru no Go
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-04-23
Updated: 2011-04-23
Packaged: 2017-10-18 14:08:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/189679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Allothi/pseuds/Allothi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>Sai feels ghostly again.</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	Complications (the Phantom Remix)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Complications](https://archiveofourown.org/works/131787) by [orphan_account](https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account). 



> Set early in canon. Thank you to Mysterious Initial Letter for beta reading!

The rain falls thickly. Outside, the colours of the world turn deep and wet enough that they seem ready to bleed. Sai thinks he can feel the peppery smell of the rain in his mind, something bright and high like the tinkling of bells. He can taste the repeating sound of it on his tongue. With no hunger for food, for drink, for breath, Sai feeds.

He does not know how long his absorption lasts. He is disturbed from it finally by a flash of something harsh and painful -- some careless, innocent resentment from Hikaru's mind that burns through Sai's thoughts and burns hotter and more fiercely the harder Sai fights it. The bond between them strains under the lack of sympathy between their two minds. It tightens and _tugs_ at Sai. He tries to tug back, clinging to his sense of self and trying to pull and drag Hikaru closer, but Sai's mind, incorporeal, is as light and weak as Hikaru's is full of vibrant life. He can feel himself slipping.

 _Go_ , Sai thinks, the thought hard as a rock, as an anchor -- because this one thing that has kept him in the world so long must surely have the strength to keep him as himself as well. He thinks of the feel of the stones, the click and the weight of each move. There is a kind of light that he would swear he has glimpsed, bright as lightning, living in the game as it is played. Sai holds desperately to his faith and he feels something twist and give, and then he feels something go terribly wrong--

Hikaru is scowling at him. Sai's thoughts flutter thinly in respondent distress. Obscurely, he registers a sense of loss. He feels ghostly again.

"Stop getting depressed," Hikaru says. "We can't go to the Go salon with all this rain."

More distress. Sai feels a tear on his cheek. He brushes it away and tries to reorient himself, drawn to want to align himself better with his host but confused by the dizzying whorl of Hikaru's thoughts. He tries a question:

"What are you planning to do?"

"Dunno. It's not like we can go anywhere in this weather anyway." Not a helpful response.

Sai feels another flicker of resentment from Hikaru's mind and casts about for a distraction. "You could invite Akari over."

Hikaru _hmphs_. "I already spend too much time with her. Girls are boring." The bond eases, putting the lie to Hikaru's affected disdain, and Sai feels that he has done well to push Hikaru's mind in this familiar direction.

"Let's do something fun, okay?" Hikaru says. "Mom won't be home until evening, so we can do anything we like."

 _Go_. The thought comes back in a rush of hope -- "We can?"

"Well, we can do anything _I_ like," Hikaru says, and Sai feels broken in two. "And I'm going to play Mortal Kombat, so you should just look at the rain or daydream about Go or something."

Sai can sense a rough generosity in the suggestion, and staves off more of what Hikaru calls "depression." But in fact -- he wishes he could explain it -- he cannot draw away again so soon. His mind feels faint from his recent struggle. Even the memory of it is distressing, and so he cleaves more tightly to Hikaru until he feels the colour of Hikaru's thoughts seep into his own, and feels his own thoughts grow lighter and lighter again.

Hikaru makes his way to the magic box -- the "television" -- that he spends so much of his time with. Sai chatters excitedly about its strangeness. Hikaru answers with amusement at first, attempting to explain the box and his game. Sai tries and fails to follow, but he gets a hum of pleasure from his engagement with his host, and so he keeps up his questions until Hikaru loses patience.

"Augh! It's just a game! Plug it in and it works! Stop being so dumb about it!"

A flash of pain. Sai now tries to keep quiet, but he feels nervous and bruised. He starts asking about Hikaru's other games, and then asks about the one Hikaru has selected and the things happening inside the television box. He wants to recapture the closeness he felt a moment before, but he can feel Hikaru's annoyance with him grow. He tries again to keep quiet -- and in his silence, some buried part of him takes in the depth of Hikaru's concentration upon the game and thinks, _perhaps, perhaps_ ; though as Sai is in this moment, he hardly understands himself -- and then he feels sudden, strong alarm from Hikaru's mind focused on one of the figures inside the box, and Sai shouts out in equal, answering alarm:

"Hikaru, watch out!"

There is a confusion of violence. Sai does not understand what happens, but after a moment, the box image has altered to display the words, "GAME OVER." Hikaru looks furious -- _is_ furious, so that Sai's senses burn with pain.

"Can't you go away?" Hikaru shouts. "You're such a nuisance! I wish Grandpa had burned that lame old goban!"

Sai reaches towards him, unthinking, as though physical closeness could provide some sort of salve. Hikaru looks sick.

"Just leave me _alone_ ," Hikaru says, and Sai watches after him as he stamps and shakes his way up to his room.

 

The rest of the afternoon passes slowly. Hikaru is quiet and reads what he has called "comics," but distractedly. His discontent aches dully through Sai's mind. Sai considers trying to engage Hikaru again but feels uncertain -- he suspects that Hikaru wants to hear and see as little of him as possible. He wonders if Hikaru wouldn't have preferred him to remain downstairs, instead of following Hikaru to his room, but to be so far away with Hikaru so angry made the bond between them pull tight and drag upon Sai in a way he couldn't stand for long.

Even close by, there is pain. Sai finds himself in tears, again and again, curled in upon himself, huddled up at the corner of the room. The room itself seems to distort, so that he loses his sense of its shape. The walls stretch and bend outwards, endless as space; and there are times when Sai would believe he has become a part of them, stretched and endless and bent, except for his bond. He thinks, there must be a way to slide out of Hikaru's mind altogether, though he doesn't know one. But if there were, Sai could go back to his goban to wait in a blank, sweet darkness like sleep for some more suitable host.

He weeps and he weeps. He is not himself, he knows, he is nothing like himself, but he feels unable to even imagine what "himself" might or used to be.

He wants to play Go. If he could only play, he could find himself again, he knows. He tries to think up a board, to recall old games, but over and again, as they begin to become clear, his thoughts shiver and shatter to fragments. Hikaru mutters at him, something Sai can't make out but that sends another stab of pain into his heart. Hikaru groans. They are both in pain, Sai understands -- remembers -- but now he feels more lost than ever because he cannot tell which pain is his.

Hikaru's mother gets home. For a while, Sai's pain continues undiminished, but somehow, though Hikaru continues to seem to sulk, though he is rough with his things and only picks at his evening meal, his mood gradually begins to lift. Perhaps he likes his mother's attention. Or perhaps, childlike, he simply has trouble holding on to his anger. Whatever the reason, Sai himself begins to feel easier. He keeps close but feels different. He swifts up ahead when Hikaru returns to his room, and Hikaru, when he arrives, takes Sai in and -- worryingly -- shakes his head.

"What am I supposed to do with you?"

Sai doesn't know. "I'm sorry," he says, hoping to stave off any new increase in Hikaru's discontent. "I know you never asked for this -- indeed, I do not know what god is looking for in bringing us together. I will try to be less of an intrusion, I promise."

Hikaru looks uncomfortable. "You know, I didn't mean what I said earlier," he says. "About burning the goban. I mean, I dunno, it's nice having someone besides Akari to hang out with. And you help me with my history tests and stuff." He shifts about, turns away, stares at the window and finishes, with messy determination: "So I guess I'd be sorry if you were gone."

And Sai finds that the bond between them feels loose. His mind fills with warmth, and his pain melts away. He feels gentle, thoughtful, almost human. And he remembers, of a sudden, Hikaru's concentration from before and thinks again, _perhaps_. But he puts the idea aside. He is only just reaching back to himself, and he is aware of how easily Hikaru's mood could falter and rip all of this away again. And so he tries to offer something up in return for Hikaru's confession instead.

"It's all right," Sai says. "I also enjoy being with you."

"You do?" Hikaru looks doubtful, but Sai can feel that he is pleased.

"Well--" In his newfound good mood, Sai can't help but push "--it would help if we could play Go more often."

Hikaru groans and, horrified, Sai braces himself for a new wave of resentment and pain, but it never arrives. Just a playful groan, Sai realises. In fact, Hikaru seems more amicable than ever.

"We'll try to go to the Go salon tomorrow," he says. "And in the meantime, you can talk to me about Go, if you like. Like, those games you played with Shusaku and everything." He shrugs as though he cares as little as ever, but there is something in the way he does it, or in his eyes, that stands out to Sai as plain as day. Hikaru is _interested in Go_. Or growing to be. Sai is certain.

Sai forgets his fears and his pain, his mind overflowing with happiness. Hikaru will let him play. Hikaru, he thinks, will learn to love the game. Hikaru will let him play, and Sai will live all over again.

Lost in his hopes, Sai begins to talk.


End file.
